Grief

***(An old post from 2 years ago. Published itself….maybe it was supposed to, to erase the painful memories at that time 🤔)***

Well, where do I start…

My life since being sober this last 5 years has been amazing, everything has been hunky dory and apart from some stress whilst working and doing my degree, I’ve been really busy living my best life – and I’m extremely grateful for all of this. I’ve had a ball!

However, I’ve just had my 12-year relationship end, rather unexpectedly! And that’s all I want to say about that.

I’ve come to learn that it isn’t just my partner I’ve lost, but my best friend, confidant, partner in crime, cheerleader, supporter, dream sharer etc etc – but I’ve also lost my sparkle, lost my way and my way of life a little too.

I’ve struggled, like really struggled – I can only describe it as a trap door opening and freefalling for days and weeks, 6 weeks actually and it’s been the most devastating and difficult 6 weeks of my life.

I know people feel grief is only for when people die, but it’s not. Essentially, it’s when you lose something and I’ve lost something, someone pivotal to who I am or was. A huge huge part of my life!

The reason I chose to write this blog today is to share some hope though, so many people (including myself some days) would think they can’t pick themselves up and carry on and sparkle again, it’s too painful (who knew the pain could be physical?). Some people turn back to addiction when they encounter trauma. This was not where I was going to end up!

I refused, I refuse to let someone, something, a situation de-rail me or undo all of the hard work, that I’ve done for 5 years. So, I have had to dig deep, really deep and use all of the tools from my toolbox, my sobriety toolbox in fact – that’s what helped me shape the person I am today, it helped me to cope when something I relied upon was removed from my life – so why not use it through this heartache?

So, I have journaled, meditated, got out in nature, cold water therapy, breathwork, swore like a trooper, leaned on friends and family. All of these things have kept me sane in recent weeks and meant that some days I’ve had a smile on my face. Mainly because of those very, very good people around me, my son has been an absolute godsend checking in on my at least every hour. Adam, you can stop now. I will be ok!

And I will be ok, I know this, but it doesn’t stop the crippling anxiety, the feeling my arm is missing, the trapdoor is still open, the freefalling still happens every day …..BUT, I will be ok!

If you are sober, or sober curious…or neither, and if you are suffering loss, then I’m sorry for your loss – but you will be ok! Lean on your friends, use your toolbox and swear like a trooper…..

Lots of Love

All shiny and new, Sue x

I’m off to find my sparkle ………..It’ll be in cold water or under a sunset