My old life in daily stages!
1. The Anxiety
I’d wake up at 3am with anxiety every single morning (with palpitations and anxiety), ‘Sue what the fuck are you doing with your life? You really need to stop this, you are out of control’. I’d be awake for a couple of hours with this anxiety, I’d be analysing everything from the night before, what had I done or said and to who? I can honestly say that in 95% of cases I actually couldn’t remember. I had to rely on Pete telling me or check Facebook! Eventually I’d fall back asleep – still wake up feeling like absolute death.
2. Late Starter
After getting up late still feeling like absolute death and trying to pretend I was looking after myself by chucking on make-up. I’d drive to work, yes this still mortifies me! It takes an hour to process a small glass of wine, the volume I had drunk, I should have never ever drove, whatever the time of day! The whole journey I would be having a word with myself and reasoning with the ‘drunk Sue’ she was saying, ‘you’ll be OK soon and it’s almost wine o’clock’ – this was on my way to work by the way!
3. ‘I Hate Myself’
Until lunchtime I was still full of self-loathing, still hated the way I felt (and I was doing this to myself) and was literally walking through treacle to get to lunchtime. I would literally repeat to myself, ‘You need to stop, you need a night off alcohol, and your body needs a bloody break!’ I never had the night off, ever!
4. Food to feel human
Lunchtime, food, feel a bit human – then the afternoon would be busy as I was frantically trying to catch up with feeling so incredibly shit in the morning – during this time I never really thought about drinking because I was too busy. So that was about 3-4 hours if that, in the whole day!
5. Wine O’clock prep time
Thoughts of wine had crept in…or more appropriately ‘poured’ in! Which supermarket would be on my way home? Was Pete buying or me? How many bottles? What time could I start on the wine? – the conversations between me and Pete every day would start with, ‘let’s just not drink as much tonight’ – Simple!
6. Wine O’clock – This was my absolute favourite time of day!
Home, I’d spend time cooking in the kitchen (more than I do now) but I was also polishing off wine quite quickly whilst cooking – Pete was always so surprised that we ran out of wine quite early in the night. He ALWAYS got less glasses of wine than me! I always managed to cook the tea to an OK standard and eat it, after this I couldn’t really remember much. It all went downhill from here, the blackouts, the arguments (if there was any) the sloping off to bed by 9pm without saying a word, the boys would ask where I’d gone and Pete would just assume I’d taken myself off to bed.
Repeat every single day, back to step 1 – Do I miss the Good Old Days, absolutely not.
While this seems extreme, this was actually my little life, for at least 12 months prior to going sober – if you find your days becoming remotely similar to the above, please please I urge you to take a look at your drinking, and seek help before it’s too late.
Alan Carr wrote a book called ‘the easy way to stop drinking’ (there isn’t an easy way by the way!) He uses the metaphor of a pitcher plant, a carnivorous plant that lures flies and other insects with its sweet nectar, luring them further and further in until they can’t get out even when they try. The difference between a “normal drinker” and an “alcoholic” is merely one of degree on where they are on the pitcher plant.
I read loads of self-help books to stop drinking, but the pitcher plant analogy above has stayed with me. Just a little reminder that I’m writing this blog to raise awareness of how easy it is to fall into this way of living / existing. If by writing about it I can help 1 or 2 people to have a think about their drinking habits, then it’s worth writing this blog.
Hope you are having a good weekend
All Shiny & New